About Nose

Some people told me, after saw my baby, to 'mold' his nose. They said i have to pull it everyday, so he could have the perfect sharp nose. Annoyed, for obvious reason, i replied that they should've told that to my parents 25 years ago. His nose is exactly mine, flat with low nasal bridge, the very opposite of caucasian nose. While people probably giving remarks for some good reason (well, i don't think so), it also shows how our society defines beauty.

I grew up hating my nose, i feel ugly. I wish i have lots of money to fix my nose, a plastic surgery is needed to be done so i can be pretty. I always notice people's nose. I tried to edit my nose in photoshop so i can see what i would look like if my nose was perfect. I'm obsessed and its bad. 

Why do people come up with beauty=sharp nose=beauty?? This thought probably shaped by the beauty standards that the media keep throwing at us. Local cosmetic product using white model, the movie casts either local or half indo with long hair, fair skin, and slim body figures, shoved to us all day everyday. Its hard to not reproduce the same image of what beauty is when all you see is the same thing presented as definition of beauty.

Representation matters. When there was actually person with flat nose, say, on television, they're either laughable or negative. Its the nose of comedian and the poor peasants. The impact for me personally was the thoughts that this kind of nose is not beautiful and undesirable.

Took me years to realize that my nose is given, it isn't broken and i don't even need to fix it. Its perfect the way it is. I'm grateful and loving mine albeit still had issue with self confidence (working on it).

At the end its not only about my nose, its also your skin color, your height, your accent, your body shape. Rethinking how we perceive things brings perspectives and really helps with almost everything. Common sense isn't common anyway.

ME MAMA ?

For all mama out there, hugs and love to you all 

Being a mother is nothing like i ever imagined and why nobody told me this? Or is it just me?

A lot of things changed. The body mainly, and what i didn't anticipated was my mind. Its like still the old me but double the sentimental and melancholy part. I am now the saggy bellied lady with uncontrollable flowing tears (also not to mention the milk) trying to get ahold of herself with all the bursting emotions and stacks of wet nappies. No i am not sad, not that kind of tears, but read along you might get the idea because i don't know the word.

(1)

Everytime i want to break down and vent, the thought of being ungrateful arise. I don't mean to be one, but i am just a weak hearted potato. And being honest, is honestly hard. How to deal with changes and me being overly sensitive, wanting to tell someone how i cant cope with everything, without being judged (or the thought of being judged) for not grateful for the baby and not a good mother? It might be a real thing or just my head (mind you the over sensitive) but it really is a big deal. I just wanna scream THIS IS WEIRD THIS IS HARD I DON'T KNOW THINGS IS THE BABY OKAY IS THERE A PAUSE BUTTON AM I WRONG DID HE JUST FART OR IS THAT POOP OW MY UTERUS CAN YOU PLEASE GET ME A MC SPICY AND A COKE uh.

Don't get me wrong, i love my baby. I mean how can you not?? His toothless smile, his wriggly little feet, the cute face he makes when pooping, and the list is getting longer each day. But my love was like too in love i always worried and get overwhelmed. The thing is i think i can handle this post-baby-things technically, but my heart isnt. Its too much for me. And here is where i need a support system. So glad i have my husband by my side, literally because i cant reach that water bottle next to me?? (And family, and friends to make me feel somewhat secure). Hugs is what i really need and never get tired of, and water.

(2)

Contractions is far worse than gave birth itself. I got episiotomy, and its nothing compared to that crazy intense wavy contractions. ps: i was induced.

(3)

I did not cry the minutes my son was born. But i did cried the first time entering the delivery room and heard the woman next room's baby's first cry.

Apparently among all the pressure and anxieties and that sick roller coaster of emotions, i still get time to breath and think. Nursing time it is, which is every two hour and each takes 30 mins to one hour long. A calm in between the tidal waves.

To keep sane, i gotta set my mind. I may not able to change my hormones (which i blame for this baby blues) but i can change how i see things, as it was one of the culprit. Breath, deep breath. Stay positive and look on the bright side.

I am here, nursing my baby. Hey, a baby, that is a start. What a blessing to bring your baby safely to this world. And nursing, do you know how lucky you are to be able to hold him and feed him with breast milk? Sore nipple and engorged breasts are things to be enjoyed, it means you got good amount of milk supply and he still learning to latch which is normal for a newborn.

And look at that face, so cute and fragile.

I was struck by the fact that he needs me, but more than that, he relies on me. My maternal instinct is kicking and i realized that this is right where i meant to be.

If i ever had a chance to get back to before my pregnancy and given another options, i will definitely choose the same path. All the pain and sleepless nights and bloody panties and anything, paid off with just a sight of that sweet gummy smile. So precious that i wont ever trade with anything, not even free pizza for a year or a chance to sleep all day long. 

be still my heart

This hard times shall pass. Its just a glimpse and he'll no longer a newborn before i know it. This time might just passed me by and forgotten, its just another day after all. BUT this is special, everyday should be special because he is special something. Its like when you want something so bad, you try your best to achieve - be it saving or learning or work harder. Then when you finally have it you'll likely want to treasure it right? Like, i'll definitely blame myself if this precious time, which is NOW, passed by. I should be fully present. Be mindful. Fully aware of what i'm doing. Embrace the moment. Be here when nursing, not away stressed over not able to wash his clothes in the morning. After all the laundry can wait. Be here when he cry and fussy, isn't that means extra cuddle? I can hold him longer when he wouldn't put to sleep on bed. Be here when i am alone and feeling so lonely. I should really start to think that i'm not, because its true. I got company, the best ever, my baby.

Surprisingly after i started to think that way, it all seem easier and i feel a lot happier. I can somehow enjoy waking up every two hours every night to feed him. Standby to his call 24/7 and less complaining. No stress means no tears -- able to say this after 4 weeks postpartum :p

This was like a journey that once you started there is no going back. A Beautiful one. Gave you tears yet filled you with joy. Bring lights to my life, a feeling i don't think exist until i experienced it myself.  

Its weird that i am able to love a person this easy, even before i met him.

Hey, Raung, thank you for having me as your mom. I love you, always have been, always will be.